Men are shallow...

Men are jerks. I debated on the title of this post for a good 5 minutes before I went with my gut. It's true men are shallow- not all I know, I know I shouldn't generalize like that but I have proof behind my reasoning 2 examples:

HUSBAND STOP READING NOW-

#1: Mr. Judy. Let me take you back 7 years. This handsome guy came into get a haircut. He is completely "my type." Ya know. Tall, handsome, country boy, ranch hand, gun shootin wrangler wearing, pick up truck drivin, 10 year older beauty. Now I don't remember exactly flirting with him at the time but I'm nearly certain I did because not only was he eye candy I had gone as far to know he was single, no kids, blah blah. What I do remember is the "I'm not giving you the time of day" conversation we had and quite frankly he never seemed that attractive since.
Rewind to present day: Mr. Judy comes in to get a haircut as he's been doing every 2-4 weeks the last several years and what do you know I'm cutting his hair. I remember thinking he was quiet, but not in a shy type of way just the hurrier kind. He asked me if I'd been cutting hair long (and stated he hadn't seen me in the salon before), if I was from the area, what I liked to do for fun,  just very friendly. When he mentioned he was from Ririe I threw in the husband word as they had something in common, followed quickly behind the 2 year old daughter. What happen next floored me. Mr. Judy very openly 'hit on me' for lack of better words. This is the same guy years earlier I'm certain I basically threw myself at and he didn't even know I existed all these countless times. Everything that he mentioned was "attractive" has not changed with the 45 pound weight loss ei: my eyes, my love for the outdoors, the country girl I was raised as, the farm talk I knew.

#2: Meet Jared- he gets his haircut at least every 2 weeks. He's divorced and has a few kids. Jared is very particular about his hair and a few of us girls know just how to cut it without him having to explain each time those areas. If I am working when he comes in he would typically wait for me, unless another one of his favorites was ready first but he wasn't the type to wait for too long if someone else was available. On this particular day Jared waited while I cut 2 other customers hair and a few stylists were standing around waiting do cut hair- 1 of those stylists being one of his "go to girls." This was odd, and very unlike Jared. Our convo was different during his haircut this day. He told me 3 times- three freaking times "you look nice today." 2 of those times he asked if he had mentioned how nice I looked. I have seen Jared out and about numerous times over the years and it was always a very casual "hi, how are you?" He knows I'm married, he knows about my daughter and although he is very handsome (side note: I don't think every guy is beautiful the two above just happen to be!) he still found it necessary to ask if I would be anywhere the following weekend alone.

HUSBAND MAY START READING AGAIN NOW-

WOWZA! Men ARE shallow!
My point being. I am still the same person on the inside no matter my weight. I wish I could say I like the extra attention and randomly being checked out but I don't. I don't because I am pretty sure these are the same guys just 6 months ago wouldn't have taken a second glance. I've thought maybe I hold myself different so people treat me different (confidence topic to follow soon) but I don't believe that is the case. I admire people who treat me the same today as they did a year ago.

I admire that in this crazy self conscious appearance world my husband was able to look past the extra pounds and love me for the person I was on the inside. Do you know David never mentioned my weight, and after I had Afton and gained 20 pounds I asked him if he would tell me if I wasn't attractive because of it and his reply went something like "you're beautiful but if you get much over 200 pounds I might buy you a gym membership" He laughed and we joked about it, but as the scale was creeping closer to that number the comment rang louder inside my head. A lot of people ask what David says or thinks about me now and the truth is he doesn't say much. He definitely comments more on the self discipline and desire I have to get up early and exercise more then the actual weigh loss. He looks at me the same way. He loves me just the same, although he likes to give me crap and tease "just because you weigh 135 pounds doesn't mean you can't... or you should..." David knows I don't need the constant praise. He knew when I first started a few simple words was enough and it didn't have to be dwelled upon. I love that he knows me well enough to look past the surface, saving me from loosing weight for all the wrong reasons and ending up with a Mr. Judy or Jared.

Am I sick?

Most of you heard my Arctic Circle story on Facebook if you haven't it went something like this:

I took Afton to play on the toys at Arctic Circle one evening. Their toys are small enough she can actually enjoy playing on them and lets be honest I wanted ice cream, I love ice cream, ice cream could very easily be my weakness- and donuts yum... donuts. Anyway, I splurge and got an oreo milkshake with my burger and fries. I'm not feeling too guilty because by this point in my weight loss journey I've accepted I can't forbid ice cream entirely because a- when I did splurge it would be an entire carton rather than a kids size milk shake. b- I knew this evening was coming and I would indulge so I ran an extra 20 minutes on the elliptical that morning, and c- I skipped out on the extra 200 calorie snack I had packed for work. So while I'm enjoying my ice cream and watching my adorable child play (picture just in case you didn't believe me in her adorableness)

I notice a lady approaching I knew, kinda. I worked with her daughter years and years ago in high school and she had been into the salon before, that's why I refer to her as an acquaintance. I was sitting at the table she walked up said, "Tiffany, I didn't recognize you. You have lost so much weight. Are you sick?" My reply, "no, I'm as healthy as ever and you are an asshole." She stared at me and I stared at her back like shoot did that just happen, did those words just fall out of my mouth? Then just as quickly as she walked up, she turned and walked away. I had been asked before things like, "are you feeling ok? were you trying to lose that much weight?" etc and I knew it was just a matter of time before I could no longer smile, be kind, and explain myself so every flipping person who asked. Unfortunately, it happen to be on the 65+ year old lady I took the months of negative comments out on. I instantly burst into tears when she walked away.  No one (except my hubby, a few close family members that stayed overnight, and girls who heard me complain at work) knew that I woke up at 5 a.m. each morning to get my workout on so I had plenty enough time to get it in before my daughter woke up. It took such dedication on my part and here people start to assume I'm unhealthy or look sick. I remember those tears turned into anger the longer I sat there and I thought how sad is it the world thinks 150 pounds looks "sick". I found comfort in knowing I was doing this the healthy way and it was coming off slower then the people who only saw me every 6-10 weeks to get a haircut realized. I felt better than ever. My sweet family would reassure me I did not look sick it was just such a huge difference especially in my face people would say these comments. I've learned not to take what people say to heart. Now days if I hear a negative comment you will typically hear me respond with "thank you." An example: I hadn't seen my dad in a while and when he walked into my work to get his haircut he said something along the lines of "my hell Tiffany what are you on the starvation diet?" My reply with a genuine smile "ha no way dad but thanks for noticing." If you know my dad you know that is his way of saying 'wow sis you look good, but I can't say that so I'm going to make some sarcastic smart ass remark instead.' I like to think everyone is like my dad when I hear those comments, like they don't know what else to say so that is how they approach it. I do however have to remind myself constantly to care less about what people say and more about how I feel.
More of that and self confidence coming up at a later time.

Here we go...

This is the photo that changed my life. I have been putting this off for so long trying to compile my thoughts on where to start so if it seems a little random and all over the place-this is why.
This picture was taken in October 2013 while at a convention for work in Vegas. Is it weird to say how you physically look and how you picture yourself looking is completely different? I didn't think I felt as bad as I looked in this picture. I had always been "bigger" and so I told myself excuses like, "it's hereditary" "I'm too picky of an eater to lose weight." "I'm not ready, but I could do it if I wanted." "I'll never be skinny." "I'm big boned." Ya know those types of things.
People will argue with me but I literally woke up one morning shortly after coming home from Vegas and before the holidays began and thought I'm never going to be "ready" if that is what I was waiting for I knew I wouldn't ever feel completely prepared especially with the holidays approaching and a toddler at home. It was that morning I decided to push myself to limits I never knew I was capable of. I set a written goal,  because I'm creepy organized like that. I took numerous before pictures- which most happened to be half naked so you won't see :) and I got on the scale for a starting point- that morning I weighed in at exactly 180 pounds. I honestly didn't know where to start so I joined my fitness pal, counting calories had to be a start and boy was that an eye opener. Things like dips and beverages add up quickly. For me this was definitely more of a mind over matter then anything else. My sweet hubby was supportive and bought me an elliptical the first time I got on it I went hard for 10 minutes and couldn't possibly go any longer. I would watch tv, listen to music, read, play on facebook anything to help pass the time. People would say if I could talk, read, or scroll through my phone I wasn't exercising hard enough but I knew I had to start somewhere and it was far better then sitting on the couch eating twinkies. I quickly discovered I am more of a morning person then I knew, most evenings going to bed in my work out clothes so all I had to do was roll out of bed and go straight for the elliptical. Some mornings I would go close to 5 minutes before I realized I was even awake. I wasn't going to let this be an option of if I should or shouldn't get out of bed to exercise. I knew if I waited I would come up with an excuse as to why I didn't have time or have a toddler attached to my hip. This became my time, time I enjoyed feeling the burn and sorting through my thoughts. I have never sweat for some reason, like full blown dripping down sweat but as the weight began to fade I noticed wet circles in my under arms and especially bra- that was a great feeling. Even in high school sports and such it just wasn't something my body did, odd I know.
I told David I wanted to buy a pair or Rock Revivals when I hit my goal weight, he told me I was crazy and should buy 3 'normal' jeans before I spent over $200 on a single pair. Secretly, I knew he was right- and I'm such a tight wad anyway. I was complaining to our friend Enrique and he said I'll tell you what you get down to 145 and I'll buy you a pair, I responded 150, him 145 this went back and forth for some time before we agreed on 148. At the time I didn't think I wanted to be any less then 150, I have never had the desire to be tiny, I didn't think those type of girls could enjoy the small, happy things in life like cookies, cake, and soda. I really wanted these new jeans by the time we went to the Jackson Hole Hill Climbs in March. I started to count every calorie I put into my mouth, I exercised everyday no matter how hard or simple. Some days was a quick 20 minute low resistance stride other mornings I would set the resistance and slope as high as I could stand and go for an hour. The harder I worked the more I realized my body changing. It felt good. Then things started to change: a few girls at work would offer to go grab me a candy bar since I didn't get a lunch when they never cared before, it seemed like everyone around me were eating foods I was trying to avoid, it felt like my husband would snack on something sweet and drink a Mountain Dew (my fav) in bed every night. I felt temptations everywhere. This is the part I learned self discipline I could say no to the candy, no to the soda and go about my day making better choices. Many of nights I would have a slice of bread and butter because I was craving the starches and carbs. Some days I would eat something I shouldn't have or more than I should have and instead of beating myself up over it I would tell myself I had to work off those calories today and make better choices tomorrow. I've heard it said before if you feel hungry it could just be thirsty. I learned to drink water, lots of it. I learned French fries are not necessarily worth the extra 45 minutes on the treadmill or having to skip dinner for, but I also learned some days it's worth it. 160 calories for a mountain dew is worth it some days. This is also were I started to realize it's not what I was eating that was the issue as much as portion size. My stomach wouldn't tell my brain I was full until I was miserably stuffed.
I became obsessed with the number on the scale, I would record weekly but step on the scale daily. I liked seeing the numbers drop, I still do. I hit our 148 mark just in time for Jackson but decided I wanted to lose another 5 pounds and by this point my clothes weren't fitting. They went from tight to comfortable to frumpy so quickly. I decided I would be happy at 145, then 140, then 135 I debated what the magic number would be but the lower it got the better I felt. I'm trying to focus more now on toning, shaping, and maintaining rather then the number I see on the scale.
 For me it has definitely been more psychological then physical, sure some days I was sore and didn't want to wake up early but mostly I had to force myself mentally out of bed. Just because it's noon doesn't mean I NEED to eat, stress doesn't have to equal a trip to the fridge and either does boredom. I'm learning my body's ques, like I'm thirsty rather then hungry. The hard work isn't over, it's just beginning. A lifestyle change is a journey, and that is what I'm after not a quick fix shake or a pill. I don't beat myself up over the small things (like the pizza I ate today) I am human, I like pizza. I really like donuts, and I could eat French fries 7 days a week.
This is just the beginning of my story. So for those of you asking for my secret there you have it. It's no secret at all, it's get off your ass and make it happen. A little support and a lot of dedication and I'm convinced I could accomplish anything now. I have way more will power then I thought, and I'm sure you do too. The mind is such a powerful thing!