This picture was taken in October 2013 while at a convention for work in Vegas. Is it weird to say how you physically look and how you picture yourself looking is completely different? I didn't think I felt as bad as I looked in this picture. I had always been "bigger" and so I told myself excuses like, "it's hereditary" "I'm too picky of an eater to lose weight." "I'm not ready, but I could do it if I wanted." "I'll never be skinny." "I'm big boned." Ya know those types of things.
People will argue with me but I literally woke up one morning shortly after coming home from Vegas and before the holidays began and thought I'm never going to be "ready" if that is what I was waiting for I knew I wouldn't ever feel completely prepared especially with the holidays approaching and a toddler at home. It was that morning I decided to push myself to limits I never knew I was capable of. I set a written goal, because I'm creepy organized like that. I took numerous before pictures- which most happened to be half naked so you won't see :) and I got on the scale for a starting point- that morning I weighed in at exactly 180 pounds. I honestly didn't know where to start so I joined my fitness pal, counting calories had to be a start and boy was that an eye opener. Things like dips and beverages add up quickly. For me this was definitely more of a mind over matter then anything else. My sweet hubby was supportive and bought me an elliptical the first time I got on it I went hard for 10 minutes and couldn't possibly go any longer. I would watch tv, listen to music, read, play on facebook anything to help pass the time. People would say if I could talk, read, or scroll through my phone I wasn't exercising hard enough but I knew I had to start somewhere and it was far better then sitting on the couch eating twinkies. I quickly discovered I am more of a morning person then I knew, most evenings going to bed in my work out clothes so all I had to do was roll out of bed and go straight for the elliptical. Some mornings I would go close to 5 minutes before I realized I was even awake. I wasn't going to let this be an option of if I should or shouldn't get out of bed to exercise. I knew if I waited I would come up with an excuse as to why I didn't have time or have a toddler attached to my hip. This became my time, time I enjoyed feeling the burn and sorting through my thoughts. I have never sweat for some reason, like full blown dripping down sweat but as the weight began to fade I noticed wet circles in my under arms and especially bra- that was a great feeling. Even in high school sports and such it just wasn't something my body did, odd I know.
I told David I wanted to buy a pair or Rock Revivals when I hit my goal weight, he told me I was crazy and should buy 3 'normal' jeans before I spent over $200 on a single pair. Secretly, I knew he was right- and I'm such a tight wad anyway. I was complaining to our friend Enrique and he said I'll tell you what you get down to 145 and I'll buy you a pair, I responded 150, him 145 this went back and forth for some time before we agreed on 148. At the time I didn't think I wanted to be any less then 150, I have never had the desire to be tiny, I didn't think those type of girls could enjoy the small, happy things in life like cookies, cake, and soda. I really wanted these new jeans by the time we went to the Jackson Hole Hill Climbs in March. I started to count every calorie I put into my mouth, I exercised everyday no matter how hard or simple. Some days was a quick 20 minute low resistance stride other mornings I would set the resistance and slope as high as I could stand and go for an hour. The harder I worked the more I realized my body changing. It felt good. Then things started to change: a few girls at work would offer to go grab me a candy bar since I didn't get a lunch when they never cared before, it seemed like everyone around me were eating foods I was trying to avoid, it felt like my husband would snack on something sweet and drink a Mountain Dew (my fav) in bed every night. I felt temptations everywhere. This is the part I learned self discipline I could say no to the candy, no to the soda and go about my day making better choices. Many of nights I would have a slice of bread and butter because I was craving the starches and carbs. Some days I would eat something I shouldn't have or more than I should have and instead of beating myself up over it I would tell myself I had to work off those calories today and make better choices tomorrow. I've heard it said before if you feel hungry it could just be thirsty. I learned to drink water, lots of it. I learned French fries are not necessarily worth the extra 45 minutes on the treadmill or having to skip dinner for, but I also learned some days it's worth it. 160 calories for a mountain dew is worth it some days. This is also were I started to realize it's not what I was eating that was the issue as much as portion size. My stomach wouldn't tell my brain I was full until I was miserably stuffed.
I became obsessed with the number on the scale, I would record weekly but step on the scale daily. I liked seeing the numbers drop, I still do. I hit our 148 mark just in time for Jackson but decided I wanted to lose another 5 pounds and by this point my clothes weren't fitting. They went from tight to comfortable to frumpy so quickly. I decided I would be happy at 145, then 140, then 135 I debated what the magic number would be but the lower it got the better I felt. I'm trying to focus more now on toning, shaping, and maintaining rather then the number I see on the scale.
For me it has definitely been more psychological then physical, sure some days I was sore and didn't want to wake up early but mostly I had to force myself mentally out of bed. Just because it's noon doesn't mean I NEED to eat, stress doesn't have to equal a trip to the fridge and either does boredom. I'm learning my body's ques, like I'm thirsty rather then hungry. The hard work isn't over, it's just beginning. A lifestyle change is a journey, and that is what I'm after not a quick fix shake or a pill. I don't beat myself up over the small things (like the pizza I ate today) I am human, I like pizza. I really like donuts, and I could eat French fries 7 days a week.
This is just the beginning of my story. So for those of you asking for my secret there you have it. It's no secret at all, it's get off your ass and make it happen. A little support and a lot of dedication and I'm convinced I could accomplish anything now. I have way more will power then I thought, and I'm sure you do too. The mind is such a powerful thing!
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